i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
