mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
