Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
