**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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