i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
