I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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