Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Bring me that man meat
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
