Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
