"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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