I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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