you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
