Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
