so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
There r osticjed everywhere
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
