Have you finally orgasmed yet?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Randomize
