The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Randomize
