Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
