i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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