I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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