did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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