ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
