I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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