Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
