as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
