everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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