You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
