the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
