I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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