I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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