If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
