It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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