Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
