Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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