Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
