Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
