My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
