So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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