They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
