She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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