we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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