EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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