I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
