I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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