god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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