I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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