Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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