Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
