Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
