I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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