this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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