It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
