Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
