Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize