dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize