he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
