I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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