Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
